What kind of shenanigans is she talking about this time? Because, whatever. No pregnancy is pain free, it’s impossible and I won’t believe it for one second. Read on to discover her hippie dippy, magical, probably bullshit ways to improve your pregnancy. Oi vey. Gwyneth you make it so easy for people to mock you.
“10 Ways to Have a Pain-Free Pregnancy.” What about the cramps, the back pain, and the heartburn? No problem, says the celeb mom of two! Paltrow’s resident pain expert, Vicky Vlachonis, grants expectant moms some quick relief.
To aid the fight against stretch marks and relieve chest pain, Vlachonis suggests doing a figure-eight with almond oil on your chest. “Even if you don’t have a genetic predisposition to stretch marks, pretend you do — slather yourself in sweet almond oil at every opportunity,” she writes. “Apply the oil in an infinity symbol or figure 8 pattern around your breasts to help simulate lymphatic drainage and and relieve any chest ache or discomfort.”
And, the further along you are in the final trimester — try getting on all fours. “While not the most dignified of positions, hanging out on your hands and knees can help in many ways,” Vlachonis insists. “First of all, the baby’s weight is not pressing down on your pelvis, but hanging forward in the belly — much less pressure and easier to sustain during exercise.” The Goop contributor warns against staying sedentary for too long. “If you’re sitting a lot, you’re squeezing your tummy, which can cause your diaphragm to lock up.”
Another tip for pain? Wait to massage your lower back until the end of the pregnancy. “Instead of focusing directly on the lower back, have your partner or massage therapist work your gluteus (butt) muscles to release tension in your hips and lower back,” Vlachonis suggests.
When it comes to food, Vlachnis says an inflammatory diet is best: “From the very beginning of your pregnancy, remind yourself that you don’t need a ton of food to sustain your baby.” Another help for not is to stay away from cow’s milk dairy, rich fatty meats, pork, roasted peanuts and peanut butter, concentrated fruit juices (especially orange and tomato), and all wheat, sugar and sweeteners. Vlachonis says these foods are culprits of hip and joint pain, swollen gums, and feet, not to mention bring on awful bouts of heartburn.
But overall, the health expert, who also provides tips on how to beat stress and the importance of a bath and massage, says to ignore the idea of a perfect pregnancy. “Mother Nature knows just what to do— and she will do it with or without your approval,” Vlachonis writes. “Trust your body to fulfill its primal biological destiny, and trust your OB or midwife knows how to help.”